We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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