smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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