franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
