Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
