Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I want to be your penis for a week.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
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