dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
