so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Randomize
