Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
