He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
