shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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