Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
