have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
