Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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