I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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