guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
