I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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