if i can run in heels then i can drive
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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