No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
