I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Pooping to opera.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
