Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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