I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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