This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
