I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
