U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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