i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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