got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
