$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
