mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I smell like Dick and happiness
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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