i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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