My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
