I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just found puke in my bra..
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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