My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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