Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
