So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
