Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
