Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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