If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
