I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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