my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he shaved USA in his pubs
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
