eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
