I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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