Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
