my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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