If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Randomize
