All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
