I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
tonight lets celebrate not being married
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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