so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
