Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
