I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
How external is "for external use only"?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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