Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
