I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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